Myth: Openness Fades With Time

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Myth Busting Monday

One of the biggest reasons I decided to start blogging again is because I want to normalize the adoption experience for my family and especially my children.  I am frequently asked many questions regarding adoption, which I welcome.  Much of the time these questions originate in misconception or myth, this is my effort to remedy (at least a little) these misunderstandings.  I have found that many times all that is needed is education.  While I do not consider myself an expert, I choose to write from my own experience backed by research when available.

While my experience is no, openness in adoption does not fade or at least it does not have to I sadly know of many open adoptions that have faded and eventually lost track of one another.  The reasons why are as varied as the people involved in them and I cannot possibly address all of those reasons here.

For me, I hope the relationships we are building with our boy’s birth parents continue to grow and become a support to them in the future.  For me, my dad’s last birthday was evidence of that for him.

My dad on his 60th birthday!

My mom and dad were here last week when my dad turned 60.  We spend the early morning talking about his life and all that he has done and all that he would still like to do.  His phone rang for the first time that day and I was sure it was one of my brothers, but when I heard him say, “Can you believe you have a son that is 60?” I was surprised thinking my grandma would be calling so early.  A few minutes into hearing half the conversation I knew it must be Joe, his birth father.  It made me smile.  They talked about kids and jobs and my dad’s birth mother and 20 minutes later ended with, “I hope to get out to see you this year.”

When they hung up my dad and I were able to have a long conversation about the openness of his adoption that took place in the 1950’s!!  How unusual it was and how secure my grandparents were but mostly how much Joe really loved my dad and what a blessing having him in his life was.  It wasn’t always flowers and candy and we talked about how at times my grandparents had to set some boundaries and even how when my dad was grown there were times of hurt feelings after things were said with both his parents and birth parents.  But there was a connection there.  A place to go for answers, a place for understanding of why when before he went to kindergarten his name changed from Joe to Tom and hundred other whys.  Even though my dad is not at all the gushy type, there is another person in the world who thinks of him and remembers him on his special days.  I think my dad appreciates that even if he would never say it.

Having my dad as a reference to go to when it comes to being “the adoptee” is a tremendous advantage for me.  While I am the uber-gushy type, he is more rough around the edges and it helps me balance out how my boys may feel in the future about some of the decisions we make for them now.  My dad is always thinking of them first when it comes to the tough decisions Steve and I take to him at times.  While I am typically trying to weigh everyone’s feelings and interests (which is impossibly difficult in open adoptions) my dad always brings us back to Zad and Ike and thinking of their needs and possible future desires first.  It’s invaluable advice and wisdom I don’t have yet but am gaining as we try to predict what the future of their lives will be like with a lot of extended family.

Recently, I was talking about openness with a new friend when she asked, “So how long are you going to do that for?”  I was honestly taken back.  It was not a question I had ever received much less even thought about.  All I could say was, “For forever!”  I had never considered anything else.  After my dad’s birthday I found myself answering her in my head in a different way, “Is 60 years too long?”  I sure hope not!  I would love to know that someday my kids are getting phone calls on their 60th birthdays from the parents who first loved them.

All of my dad's posterity on his 60th!

Myth: Open Adoption Is Always Awkward For Everyone Involved

Myth Busting Monday

One of the biggest reasons I decided to start blogging again is because I want to normalize the adoption experience for my family and especially my children.  I am frequently asked many questions regarding adoption, which I welcome.  Much of the time these questions originate in misconception or myth, this is my effort to remedy (at least a little) these misunderstandings.  I have found that many times all that is needed is education.  While I do not consider myself an expert, I choose to write from my own experience backed by research when available.

This last weekend Norma and I taught a class on openness at the Southwest Regional Families Supporting Adoption Conference held in Tempe, Arizona on the ASU Campus.  Go Devils!  I could not have been more proud of Norma!  She spoke directly and confidently about her side of how we make open adoption work for us.  With November being National Adoption Month I would like to share several points we shared in our class over the coming days and weeks.

It is commonly believed and somewhat a myth that open adoption is awkward and uncomfortable for all those involved with it.  Open adoption is a relationship and like any relationship it has it's awkward and uncomfortable moments, especially in the beginning as people are getting to know one another.  Recognizing this as the case, Norma and I have come up with a list of things we believe help overcome those moments and move into a more relaxed and happy relationship.  Most if not all of these I have learned by trial and error so don't feel bad if things don't go as well as hoped for, this is a relationship and all sides need to understand that mistakes will be made.

1. Plan your visits at a time that works well for both of you.
No one (at least not anyone I know) wants to get up at the crack of dawn and meet with the adoptive or birth family to get to know one another better.  Meeting at a comfortable time is especially true if their is a baby or children involved in the visit and one or both sides have spent the better half of the night up feeding and caring for the baby.

2. Meet in a location you are both comfortable with something to do.
If you are not sure whether you want to invite the other half of your adoption into your home by all means do not invite them!  Meet at a restaurant, a mall, a zoo, children's museum, splash pad, or park.  Many would say the adoption agency is a good choice but I don't agree.  Meeting in a sterile room where there is nothing to talk about or do can really stifle the conversation.  I think it is so much better when you can discuss what menu items look good, the animals or art you are viewing, or how cute it is that little Sam doesn't want to do anything but go down the slide.  Having something to break the ice is vital and makes the conversation easier for everyone.

3. Prepare yourself for the visit.
Please do yourself a favor and get some rest, exercise, relax, and eat well.  The last thing you want to think about during those initial visits is how hungry or tired you are.  You want to go feeling happy, confident, as relaxed as possible and on a day when you don't have a hundred other obligations to fulfill.  Plan ahead of time what you are going to wear and please don't pull out the heels and sassy skirt just because you feel great in it.  Wear something you feel good and comfortable in; something that looks nice but you can still handle a baby or small child in.

4. Take someone who "gets it" with you and discuss with them how you would like the visit to go before you get there.
If you are on the adoptive couple side, this person is preferably your spouse as the birth mom and her family will be wanting to get to know both of you.  If you are the birth mother or father, take someone who is supportive of your decision and who is supportive of you in general.  Before you arrive, discuss with them any subjects or people you do not want mentioned or talked about in detail while understanding it is quite normal for an adoptive couple to ask about the birth father. 

5. Get to know each other before you invite the whole family along.  Don't bring "surprise" guests you have not prepped the other one for.
As with any relationship you are hoping to have last for a lifetime it starts slow and eases into getting to know one another before inviting all your family and their opinions into the situation.  This is especially true with open adoptions as many in your family may not understand or get why this is so important.  Bringing along your friends or family because they are curious about who the other side is can wait and shows respect and care for the relationship.  There will be plenty of time for sharing as you get to know one another and how much easier it will be when you have had time to warn the other about Aunt June and her off the wall comments about adoption.



This is what Norma and I came up with, we're curious what you think.  What have you done to help ease into a tender open adoption relationship?  Tell us!

Myth: Open Adoption Is For The Birth Family

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Myth-Busting Monday

One of the biggest reasons I decided to start blogging again is because I want to normalize the adoption experience for my family and especially my children.  I am frequently asked many questions regarding adoption, which I welcome.  Much of the time these questions originate in misconception or myth, this is my effort to remedy (at least a little) these misunderstandings.  I have found that many times all that is needed is education.  While I do not consider myself an expert, I choose to write from my own experience backed by research when available.

MYTH: Open Adoption Solely Benefits The Birth Families

TRUTH: Open Adoption Benefits All Involved

I know that the birth families of our boys love getting to see and know the precious boys they placed with us, open adoption definitely benefits them but it is so much more and benefits all of us.

For Me:

I love our open adoptions.  I love knowing and getting to show my love for the people my children come from.  I look forward to and am often giddy over any chance I have to spend time with them, text them, Facebook chat, or visit over the phone.  Basically, they are some of my favorite people on this Earth.

Some would say, “Well of course you love them, they made you a mother.”  Absolutely, this is true but for so many more reasons I love them.  I love that my children look like them.  I love that when I look at Zad or Ike I not only think, “Man that boy is cute!” but I also see their birth parents.  I love that when Zad eats something hot he shakes all over like he has the shivers and that just last week I watched Norma (his birth mother) do the exact same thing!  In that moment I watched Norma my heart was so happy and I giggled to see a trait I am so familiar with.  I love that when I recently saw pics of Ike’s birth father as a child he was standing in a way that exactly resembles Ike now.  I love that when I sing to Ike he calms and wants to snuggle, it reminds me of hearing Hannah sing to him when he was in her belly and how she could feel him relax within her.  I love that connection!

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my boy’s birth parents.  I don’t think this would be different had we never met or only met long enough to confirm their decision in Steve and I.  I would wonder about them whether I knew them and saw them or not.  What a great comfort is to know where they are, what they are doing.  I joy in their success and pray for them in their weakness. 

Knowing Zad and Ike’s birth parents allows me to be a better mother.  I know how to answer their questions about where they come from, who they come from; I love that the answer is to tell them they come from the bravest, most unselfish people I know.  I get to tell them I watched their birth parents hold them and love them as babies as any proud parents do.  I get to tell them how they touched their hair and whispered sweet tender words to them before they placed them in our arms to be their parents.  I know that their love for them was and is some of the most pure and real love.  I love that they trust me enough to teach them of their love and I do.  

For Steve: (in his words)
I’m happy for the benefits it provides our children. I am glad for the option to ask about medical history. I know that they were loved, that it was a thought out, prayed about and pondered process not just abandoned.  I know that even today they still care for their well-being and think that we are the best place for them to be.  It’s a badge of honor.  It helps me keep in remembrance how special adoption is, what a miracle it is.

For Our Children:

Open adoption allows our children to have answers, to be loved in person by their birth parents, to have a connection to their biological culture and race in a way we will never be able to give them, to have answers about health histories and traits, and to reconfirm their prayed over and planned out placement within our family.

It allows them to know more of who they are, there is no mystery there.  Hopefully there will be no fear or false hope when approaching their birth parents in the future because the relationship with them will already be solid and in place.

We believe in being honest with our children about all that is them.  We want them to discover who they are and we support any influence that improves their self worth and place in the world and the wonderful men we know they will become.

When people ask I often say, "Open adoption doesn't have to be weird unless you make it that way.  Yes, boundaries have to be respected and honesty is important when setting those boundaries but open adoption can be a wonderful addition to any family.  I can't imagine mine without it."

For some common concerns and facts regarding open adoption you can click here, here and here.